It goes away and comes back like a scab that you can’t help, but to pick over and over again. Just when it’s healed you pick at it again. The sun is out and the heat feels good, but it hurts to look at. When you’re used to the sun, the rain comes and you can’t help but feel that it is normal. It’s normal to have the rain, but when you have the sun it feels like something you’ve never had. Without the rain you wouldn’t know what the sun feels like. You can hide from the sun, but you can’t hide from the rain. There is always going to be a part of yourself that gets wet and is affected by the drops from the sky, the pouring down of the dark clouds. Sometimes you don’t know when it’s going to rain. There isn’t any sign of it and it scares you when you hear the BOOM of the thunder, but what can you do? How do you avoid it? How do you prepare and avoid the trees? How do you know when lightning will strike?

July the month of you.

7/14/09

I found this when I was cleaning. I really like this one. <3

July- the month of remembering. The month of painting, days of waiting for the butterfly to come whisper your love, and though we wish we could have more this has to be enough.

* Stars fall to the sound of your voice/ and if I had a choice/ I’d tell them not to bother/ tell them it’s not my fault I want her/ I blame it on every freckle that ever showed me it exist on her face/ every smile that ever snuck up on me just when I was about to give up hope/ who would have ever known/ that you would be my lifeboat/ you’d fill up your cold throat/ with love notes/ just to save us from the Titanic/ and you threw the Hope Diamond into the ocean of love in hopes I would find it/ I’ve been wearing it around my neck ever since/ and now I wear it around my heart in hopes of throwing it back in the ocean of love in hopes of somebody else to find it/ <3

Word vomit.

Free write.

    Different. Colors. Eyes. Hair. Smile. Laugh. What is different? It’s nothing. Different is beautiful. Same is plain. Same is boring. “I don’t want to be different.” I tell her it’s fine, I tell her it’s better to be different. Why wouldn’t you want to be a hot pink sticking out through all the blues? I would. You should. You can’t see the sidewalk. I can’t see the soul. You look up when you walk. I look down as I walk. I have a better chance of getting bumped into. Everyone walks around you, but I never have enough time to look up before they do. Everyone is in a rush. The best days are when you don’t have a plan. Walk on the sidewalk and go wherever your feet will take you. Make your own adventure. No one should go with you. Go alone. Half the adventure is the treasures you will find. Everyone is in a rush. Walk, walk,walk, run, run, run, beep, beep. Hearts race to the rhythm of their feet as they stomp past like a hip hop dance routine. Is there a fire? Is there an emergency? Probably not. Why does it matter if you miss the train? Why does it matter if you can’t make that light? The woman misses the light it turns red, she stops short and looks in the car next to her and a woman is crying. She gives that woman a smile and makes the woman’s day. She was contemplating taking her life, but now she feels relieved that a stranger next to her was willing to give compassion between glass. You never know what will happen if you slow down unless you take it moment by moment. Look at God’s angel graces. You may be surprised at what you find. <3

Drip. Drop.

3/30/10-

It drops on my skin like acid with memories of all the days its rained. Whenever it rains it brings a dreary cloud along with the darkness. Little angels smash in puddles as they enjoy it. If there were good events to be remembered with rainy days I would be like those laughing angels, but it just reminds me of the day you became an angel. Whenever it rains I feel my clothes turn black and I’m back at that day. I didn’t have black shoes so I borrowed Lyn’s. Now she won’t even apologize and let me borrow forgiveness. You wouldn’t stand for this. I walked in the rain that day as my make up streamed down my face and was washed away like the good memories, replaced by the last couple of months.

[Mi manchi Nonna]

old school is new

So… heh. I was listening to spice girls todayyy and came across the album they did without Geri and I never had this album or even listened to it, but the song that I’m listening to right now is very real and holds true for me at the moment. Here: enjoy a little old school.

late night thinking

I’m up doing hw. What else is new? Stupid presentation tomorrow. I’m not worried. Somehow, someway… everything works out. I know it’s not by chance. I am being looked out for. I truly believe I am… if I wasn’t I know I still wouldn’t be here right now. Some days I scream about it… but some days like today I am grateful for it. What would I do if I didn’t get to see my cousin’s beautiful baby? (I can’t wait to see her!) No matter how much I scream God is still here… He never gives up on me… This Sunday’s homily really got to me… Father Chris said to not throw someone away… if a relationship means something you can’t throw anyoneee away… I don’t want to throw away anyone but some ppl take advantage of you because they know you will always be there so they walk in and out of your door without a care… What is one to do? I try to believe that I must be like God… I must forgive, forgive, forgive lots of moments over and over again. I love and believe in Him. I want to share something with you that makes me cry everytime… this video equals my faith and is one of the only reasons I go on.

The best part is the beginning…. here was a man in one of the darkest times of history and instead of letting the dark walls consume him and overtake him he turned to the dark walls and wrote who our God is and will always be on those walls whether or not he felt it. I want to encourage you life is full of mountains and valleys thats just the way it is… we are going to have our ups and down and I want to encourage you if you are in a badly time right now if you came in here tonite burying burdens and wondering if youre ever gonna see the sun again I want you to know something God is sitting in this place tonite the sun is still shining even when theres a huge storm we still know the sun is above those clouds! We still know that God is at work, God is not done with you, God is not through with you, God has not turned his back on you. I feel like someone needs to hear this tonite no matter what youve done, no matter what youve experienced God is nott done with youu in a good way. God has not turned his back on you. We dont have to walk away or turn our backs God is faithful. God is faithful… <3

i have a ?

I’m not exactly sure what to do or what I wish to do. I have a friend that lives in PA who I have known for a year we met on livejournal and have yet to meet, but have such a connection I cannot describe it for anyone if I tried… lately…. this friendship has been inconsistant… we used to talk everyday and I dont mean to be insensitive because I know that she is going through stuff and is in college like I am and has a crazyy life but…. come on. When we first started talking her gf at the time just broke up with her and it was very hard for her… i was there for her everyday and I helped her through it… now that thats all over I feel like she thinks “oh well i’ll talk to her every 2 weeks for like 5 minutes its fineee” I was there for her…. I put soooo much effort into it and now she is nott doing the same. Why do I always invest so much? I try so damn hard? too hard… I put in too much effort and care too damn much! She called me at 330am and naturally I did not pick up because my phone is alwaysss on silent when I am sleeping. Why would she call me at 330 am? No voicemail, of course. She is on twitter alll theee timeee and talking to everyone on there, but yet she can’t sign onto aim or call or text me and talk to me right? She’s too “busy” Fuck you. You’re not busy. You just are slowly pulling away from me when I have done absolutely nothinggg wrong. I really don’t understand it and I am thinking of just letting go. I’m not sure. All I do know is that I am soooo sick and tired of being the one who always cares moree, puts in moreee effort. Is it even worth it? I’m starting to believe its not worth it anymore to bother with ppl where I have to put in all the effort. It’s a two way street you know. Why do I have always have to walk the whole way? Why can’t you meet me half way?

mehh

I give up. Forget it. Forget all of it. My heart is closed due to reconstruction. I am not going to look for something that isn’t there. I’m so sick of liking someone and then being the one who has to say something. I miss it… I miss the fact that with her I didn’t have to do a damnnn thing. She made all the moves. She let me know she liked me and with me it just happened to be mutual. I want that again. I’m not going to chase, I’m not going to let anyone know they have sparked my interest, if you feel something for me youuu will have to let meee know. I know it’s kinda a game along with the ignoring someone just so they can miss you. But, whateverrrr. It is what it is. Right now… I know I need to not put all of my eggs in one basket. I need to think about me cos right now I don’t think about me and I don’t care and something, somewhere has got to give, has got to make it all worth while. I hope I find my empiphany.

“I Believe in Love”-BarlowGirl

How long will my prayers seem unanswered,

Is there still faith in me to reach the end?

I’m feeling doubt, I’m losing faith

But giving up would cost me everything

So I’ll stand in the pain and the silence

And i’ll speak to the dark night

4am rant

Awake. Awake. Awake. Kindaaa. It’s 4am and I’m doing hw. Oh joyy. I fell asleep from 9-10 then 10-11? and had a nightmare. >.< sooo I texted her and she came right over… She may sayyy she’s a bitch, but she was there for me. I appreciate it immensely. I hope telling her it all won’t back fire. It has a tendency too sometimes. Cleaned most of my room. Later today is LAUNDRYYY DAYYY. Don’t want to have another bad dream so I’m doing hw. What a motivation huh? It was really bad… I’m trying not to think about it… Methods hw! Methods hw! Ugh. It’s not hard hw, it’s just time consuming and tedious. I better get back to it. “We can’t do anything about the past, but the future is OURS to create” A dear friend said this to me… It’s so true. I need to keep remembering it. Maybe it will eventually become a tattoo… If I wasn’t a teacher I would have all inspirational quotes all over my body… My body is a canvas! Maybe I should type all inspirational quotes up and tack them to my wall! I need to finish this and sleep… I’m getting delirious. >.< lol

Mermaid in her own damn sea.

There’s more mermaids in the sea. All alone in her own damn sea. alone. alone. alone. think she would be used to it, be comforted by it. Doubtful. Show theres a truth. Show there’s a reason to open the door, before building up a wall of seaweed unable to break through it when its finally up.

FUCK bitches. GET moneyyyy.

YOURE A JERK. YOURE A JERK. YOUUUU KNOOOWWW.

But… you’re cute you’re cute you knowww it and you flaunt it.

Hidden from eyes that don’t even see,

there’s been a shift in the weather.

Its gotten much colder, brisk, bitter

it’s too cold to expose what should be hidden underneath

no one should have to see

no one can see unless you let them

hide it underneath

Why must you think you know the book

before you even take the time to open it and start to read

You saw the cover and you prejudged

what could have, would have been a good read.

Days when you lock yourself up

too much to handle to open your mouth

hide it underneath,  hide behind the door

you leave it for yourself to handle on your own

Today looking out my window right now the weather is perfect for the mood, for the emotion that I’m feeling. The sun is shining, yet the clouds are dark. There will be rain and the rainbow will prevail in the end. Just when you think that the rain won’t end… God gives rainbows and sunshine.

“Your shadow proves the sunshine” -Switchfoot

“I believe in the sun, even when its not shining, I believe in love, even when I don’t feel it. I believe in God, even when He is silent.” -I Believe in Love- BarlowGirl.